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Wild and wacky

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How to perform an autopsy on an elephant

How to make a hamster-powered night light

How to capture a crocodile

How to stop a skunk from living under your house

How to become a clown

How to make a living watching people sleep

How to design a rollercoaster

How to report a suspected nuclear bomb to the FBI

How to perform a search of a crime scene

How to identify Osama Bin Laden

How to prevent forest fires

How to decide between a laser and a pulse-arc welder when making jewelry

How to find out if your diamond has been heat treated

How to keep a boat from sinking

How to decide between Stonehenge, an Egg Timer, and an Atomic Clock

How to sit back and let ants prospect for gold for you

How to respond when the Department of Homeland Security shows up at your business looking for illegal immigrants

How to dissect a cow's eye

How to select proper eye protection for welding

How to make a telescope

How to mummify a fish

How to view an eclipse

How to make a lava lamp

How to protect yourself from bubonic plague

How to protect yourself from terrorism

How to make peace not war

How to tell if you've been exposed to depleted uranium

How to 'paint a target' and call in an airstrike

How to refuel an F-16 in midflight

How to keep G-forces from making you black out during a sharp turn in your fighter jet

How to land an F-16 if the engine has 'flamed out' on you

How to perform triage on combat casualties

How to handle unexploded ordinance inside of a combat casualty

How to survive, evade, and be recovered from behind enemy lines

How to extinguish a nuclear bomb that has accidentally caught on fire

How to treat victims of biological weapons of mass destruction

How to select a radiation detector

How to attach a concealed microphone to an actor's head

How to brake an 18-wheeler on a long downhill grade

How to treat a cat with bubonic plague

How to see where all the smokejumpers are currently deployed

How to care for an elephant

How to become a CIA agent

How to become a counterterrorism analyst

How to become a UN peacekeeper

How to make a living playing videogames

How to protect yourself during a nuclear attack

How to protect yourself against chemical warfare agents

How to move forward under enemy fire

How to destroy your own air base before retreating so the enemy can't use it

How to lead a humvee convoy

How to store the Ark of the Covenant

How to survive a fall from 30,000 feet

How to fight off a shark

How to use a bullwhip

How to swordfight

How to treat someone who's been struck by lightning

How to keep North Korean spies from exploiting you

How to identify North Korean Officers

How to tell a North Korean to come out, drop his weapon, stick up his hands, and surrender

How to make a distress signal if your radio is broken

How to make visual signals to communicate with a search and rescue plane

How to become an unmanned aerial vehicle operator

How to join the French Foreign Legion

How to become a test pilot

How to become a princess

How to tell the difference between the Lord Chamberlain and the Lord Great Chamberlain

How to properly address the Queen of England

How to invite the Queen of England over to watch the Superbowl with you

How to skin a raccoon

How to use a huge blowtorch hanging from a helicopter to burn a forest

How to establish a temporary airbase for a helicopter in an emergency

How to find where the smokejumpers are currently deployed

How to use a temporary fire shelter if a huge forest fire is about to sweep over you

How to report a UFO sighting

How to keep an open mind

How to check the weather at Graceland

How to request a sample from meteorites retrieved in Antarctica

How to catch and identify tiny micrometorites hitting the earth

How to apply to volunteer to collect meteorites in Antarctica

How to select a projector for your planetarium

How to suggest a name for a new planet to the proper authorities

How to report a terrorist incident

How to buy uranium over the internet

How to buy radioactive marbles over the internet

How to make just about anything glow in the dark

How to buy a Van deGraff generator

How to buy melted sand from the first atomic bomb detonation

How to climb Mount Everest

How to properly destroy all traces of an original Woodsy Owl costume

How to operate the built-in cooling unit in a modern Woodsy Owl costume

How to fix Woodsy Owl's beak

How to get a Woodsy Owl tattoo

How to maintain proper dignity while wearing a Smokey Bear costume

How to transport a nuclear bomb

How to take a vacation in North Korea (note - not recommended!)

How to declare your withdrawal from the Nuclear Non Proliferation treaty

How to browse the President's guestbook

How to report that a black hole you accidentally created has sucked in several coworkers and emitted X-rays

How to create a black hole using a linear accelerator

How to safely dispose of nuclear waste for 10,000 years

How to macgyver a terrorist barrier if all you have lying around are pipes and a steel cable

How to estimate the impact of a meteor hitting the earth

How to report the discovery of a comet to the proper authorities

How to name a comet you've discovered

How to help convince the government to do something about killer asteroids

How to calculate your weight on other planets

How to use DNA to identify a sea monster

How to categorize the intensity of a potential asteroid strike on Earth

How to help find extraterrestrials

How to decide whether to abort a shuttle mission just after takeoff

How to decide whether to take the space shuttle into an emergency deorbit

How to select an alternate landing site for the space shuttle at the last minute

How to decide if you should push the space shuttle's engines to 109 percent thrust

How to dodge space debris while in orbit

How to make sure you don't accidentally blow the hatch and get sucked out of the space shuttle while in orbit

How to decide whether failure of your Television warrants aborting a shuttle mission

How to undock a damaged shuttle from the international space stations so rescuers can dock

How to rescue a stranded space shuttle crew from the International Space Station

How to make a volcano

How to survive a volcanic eruption

How to survive an earthquake

How to tell if any Alaskan Volcanoes are erupting right at this moment

How to safely view lava

How to obtain a title of Nobility

How to survive a lightning storm

How to classify the severity of a hurricane

How to act after a Tsunami

How to identify a meteorite

How to build an igloo

How to start a fire with a bow drill

How to find water if you're stranded in a jungle

How to start a fire with water

How to open a coconut by bashing it with a rock

How to paint a woolly mammoth on a cave wall

How to make a fire with a balloon

How to start a fire with a coke can

How to skin a bear

How to build a snow cave

How to stop sliding down an ice-covered mountain

How to search for someone buried in an avalanche

How to fight an insurgency

How to handle a fellow astronaut who's gone crazy in the International Space Station

How to decide how often you should be changing your underwear on the International Space Station

How to remove a fellow astronaut's tooth in space

How to check if you've gotten pregnant on the International Space Station

How to construct a Vulcan harp just like Spock's

How to take a bite out of crime

How to find where all the spent nuclear fuel is kept

How to fly a hot-air balloon

How to get along with a landowner when you've accidentally landed your hot-air balloon on his property

How to properly tether a hot-air balloon

How to decide how fast to drive your boat so you don't injure a whale too badly if you hit it

How to fly an airplane

How to crash-land an airplane

How to become a Secret Service agent

How to report a threat to the President of the United States

How to detect counterfeit money

How to report counterfeit money to the authorities

How to apply for conscientious objector status during a draft

How to apply for a Presidential appointment

How to sleep overnight at a lighthouse

How to seize everything a delinquent taxpayer owns

How to collect delinquent taxes from someone who is in the Federal Witness Protection program

How to find anyone

How to conduct surveillance on United States Citizens

How to get permission to read a United States citizen's mail

How to follow someone after a subversive anti-tax statement in a public meeting

How to get permission to put an electronic tracking device on someone's car

How to find evidence against someone in their trash

How to arrest a child

How to split the booty from a forfeiture with other involved government agencies

How to decide if another federal agency deserves any share of the booty from a forfeiture

How to tell the difference between a surveillance operation and an undercover operation

How to properly document any Bigfoot tracks you happen across

How to see where Bigfoot has been hanging out lately

How to report a Bigfoot sighting

How to report a Sasquatch sighting

How to interview someone who has seen Sasquatch

How to locate some casts of Bigfoot's feet to examine

How to buy a plaster cast of a Bigfoot track over the internet

How to set out bait to attract Bigfoot

How to spy on Area 51

How to qualify for the Federal Witness Protection Program

How to violate the Sherman anti-trust act

How to avoid paying import tariffs on an object you found in outer space

How to recommend an astronaut be nominated to receive the Congressional Space Medal of Honor

How to get a severe sentence by being convicted for stealing an alligator for a third time

How to collect micrometeorites in your backyard

How to make a matchstick rocket

How to make a cosmic ray detector

How to get an internship working with mine-hunting dolphins

How to search for Captain Kidd's treasure

How to find old treasure maps

How to identify and defeat deathtraps protecting abandoned Spanish gold

How to interpret turtle symbols that lead to hidden gold

How to select a partner for treasure hunting

How to pan for gold

How to go somewhere you can pan for gold

How to buy supplies you can load your mule up with before a gold prospecting trip

How to find gold deposits

How to stake a gold mining claim on Federal land

How to adopt a wild burro

How to buy a Swiss Army knife with 85 parts

How to start a business in Second Life

How to inspect someone's private submarine

How to speak like a hardboiled detective

How to tell the difference between a Native American and a native American

How to avoid crashing into a fellow pilot's F-16 if you get lost

How to rescue a parachutist who is suspended from a tree

How to veto a bill

How to create a superhero

How to determine when, on average, you are likely to die

How to request copies of documents from the Vatican's Secret Archives

How to gain access to the Vatican's secret archives

How to find the right cliché to use for any situation

How to visit the birthplace of Smokey Bear

How to tell if a submarine is about to do an "emergency blow" and come up right under your ship

How to ditch an airplane in the ocean

How to recognize whether a bear encounter is about to become dangerous

How to survive a grizzly bear encounter

How to fight off a mountain lion

How to survive if your car collides with a moose

How to survive a nuclear blast

How to respond to an accidental radiation injury

How to safely decommission a nuclear power plant

How to know whether your nuclear power plant is built on an earthquake fault

How to tell a bolt from screw

How to decide whether it's legal to violate someone's patent while you're on the moon

How to know whether something you invented in space is protected by US Law

How to inspect your bike

How to know exactly how much gold is in Fort Knox right down to the penny

How to obliterate animal carcasses with explosives

How to make a real, working hydrogen bomb

How to make trilobite cookies

How to use strong magnetic fields to levitate a frog

How to keep your cat from bidding on eBay auctions in the middle of the night

How to stop a carjacker with a flamethrower

How to perform a virtual frog dissection

How to search for extraterrestrial intelligence

How to make a square carbon dioxide scrubber fit into a round hole

How to deflect an asteroid that is heading directly for Earth

How to get the lowdown on the Philadelphia Experiment

How to find out where nuclear weapons were accidentally jettisoned

How to get the US Government's official position on the "X-Files"

How to decide how much vacation time jihadists in your sleeper cell are entitled to

How to tell the difference between elephant, narwhal, and wooly mammoth ivory

How to tell a killer whale from a false killer whale

How to handle a herd of buffalo

How to give CPR to a dog

How to kill a large herd of buffalo with very little effort

How to order wooden nickels over the internet

How to get free wooden nickels over the internet

How to find the status of manmade objects in space

How to find out the current location of all Mercury, Gemini, and Apollo spacesuits

How to find the current location of all Apollo spacecraft

How to find the current location of all Space Shuttles

How to find the current location of all Lunar Modules

How to properly measure your shoe size

How to read the US Government's official position that Spiderman, the X-Men, and (particularly incorrectly) Dr. Octopus and Kingpin are legally not humans

How to track Santa Clause's flight

How to scuba dive under ice

How to save the whales by hunting down errant balloons

How to adopt a whale

How to find out the current location of all zoo chimpanzees in America

How to become a chimpanzee

How to watch a chimpanzee kidnapping

How to interpret a chimpanzee's facial expressions

How to breed alligators

How to tell whether your alligator is a record-breaking one

How to get permission to move some alligator eggs around

How to apply for a license to trap alligators

How to confess to a crocodilian violation in your past

How to tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator

How to tell the difference between a crocodile hide and an alligator hide

How to cook an alligator

How to buy a stuffed alligator head over the internet

How to buy alligator jerky over the internet

How to buy an alligator leather holster over the internet

How to skin an alligator

How to buy a boa constrictor wallet over the internet

How to buy a cobra wallet over the internet

How to buy a rattlesnake wallet over the internet

How to buy a sharkskin wallet over the internet

How to go on an alligator hunt

How to adopt an alligator

How to store your sunglasses in your spacesuit (important - do not open helmet to put them on!)

How to deploy your lunar roving vehicle

How to fire up your lunar roving vehicle and take it for a spin

How to plant a flag on the moon and claim it for America

How to make absolutely sure the spacesuit in your closet is not Neil Armstrong's

How to use some maps of the moon to replace a missing fender on your lunar rover

How to find your scissors on the moon

How to survive if your space suit's oxygen supply runs out on the moon

How to understand why FM stations always end in an odd decimal number

How to know which phase the moon was in on any given day all the way back to 2000 B.C.

How to find a handy machete if you are in a fight to death with a fellow astronaut in orbit

How to outrun a crocodile

How to obtain a hand-scripted papal blessing

How to dress properly before pummeling someone in a boxing ring

How to equip a boxing ring

How to warn a boxer of a foul

How to administer the eight-count in a boxing match

How to figure out if you are a Bantamweight or a Heavyweight

How to decide if your ostrich is old enough to be slaughtered yet

How to stun fish with massive amounts of electricity

How to find out whether your Eskimo tribe is over its yearly limit for whale killings

How to accuse your next door neighbor of violating the International Convention for the Regulation of Whaling

How to report that an injured whale has washed up on your beach

How to find out the most popular place where all the "right" whales hang out

How to report that someone shot a stranded killer whale on your beach last night at 3AM

How to get a permit to harass marine mammals

How to clean a wound properly if you've been bitten by a monkey

How to conspire to transform the Earth into an actual "Planet of the Apes"

How to build the struggle against the ultra-right and corporate power!

How to apply for a license to build and operate a nuclear power plant

How to find the current location of all nuclear power plants worldwide

How to avoid accidentally trapping an otter in your quest for raccoon hides

How to know the truth about what happened in Roswell

How to fight terrorism by quitting smoking

How to decide whether it's appropriate for Department of Homeland Security personnel to remove your monkey's diaper

How to know the official count of Jedi throughout all of England

How to launch your name into space

How to stand up and fight for the rights of fat people

How to decide what salary jihadists in your Al-Qaeda sleeper cell are entitled to

How to get a college scholarship by having rebel ancestors

How to get a college scholarship by writing an essay about a fire sprinkler

How to get a college scholarship simply for being a big man on campus

How to safely maneuver a zodiac around icebergs

How to know whether you can buy a drink at the south pole

How to select personal items for a trip to the Antarctic

How to know whether Visa's "it's everywhere you want to be" includes the South Pole or not

How to survive if you fall through a hole in the Antarctic ice

How to determine whether a crack in the Antarctic ice is safe to drive over

How to build a snow shelter in an emergency

How to approach a helicopter properly so you don't lose your head or arm

How to find emergency stores if you're stranded alone in the Antarctic

How to correct your compass to work near the South Pole

How to remove a snowmobile that has fallen into an Antarctic crevasse

How to rescue someone who has fallen into an Antarctic crevasse

How to email something larger than 5 megabytes from the South Pole

How to address a letter to someone at the South Pole

How to check out the North Pole webcams

How to make a request for transfer from a Turkish prison to a U.S. prison instead

How to hand off oversight of U.S. interests to a friendly country when abandoning an embassy

How to know what Mother Teresa, Winston Churchill, and the Marquis de Lafayette all have in common

How to know whether it's OK to sneak a live pig, charcoal, and a cigarette lighter in a diplomatic pouch for a luau

How to have your kids birthday party at the National Atomic Museum

How to buy Fat Man and Little Boy shot glasses over the internet

How to know whether toilet-bowl products or sharks are a greater threat to your health

How to report a shark attack to the proper authorities

How to check out a museum dedicated to barbed wire

How to become a member of the Kansas Barbed Wire Museum

How to get funding to create art in the Antarctic

How to know whether there were 2 of each kind of bird on the ark or actually 14

How to read the bible in Swahili

How to run the UN Security Council's meetings

How to see where all the UN peacekeepers are currently deployed

How to appreciate how critical gender perspectives truly are to reducing the scourge of landmines

How to properly appreciate that gender perspectives are important when dealing with weapons of mass destruction

How to watch Star Wars rendered entirely in ASCII

How to make a virtual Lego version of yourself online

How to be alerted immediately whenever an iceberg is discovered near Newfoundland or Labrador

How to take a vacation where you can see some icebergs

How to know whether you've found the largest iceberg in history

How to estimate how long you have before the iceberg you're surviving on melts

How to demolish an iceberg

How to buy a cane fragment from a chair on the Titanic over the internet

How to buy carpet yarn from the Titanic over the internet

How to buy cork from Mrs. Astor's Titanic lifejacket over the internet

How to become a Sea Power Ambassador

How to become a Bionic Ambassador

How to petition the government to turn your neighbor's yard into a Superfund site

How to register for the upcoming draft

How to notify the government when you've moved so they can find you during a draft

How to apply to become a member of your local draft board

How to draft an army in a crisis

How to understand how the draft lottery will work

How to adopt a dragon

How to adopt a giant octopus

How to be really cool and support the FONZ

How to play Rock, Paper, Scissors

How to select a winning Rock, Paper, Scissors strategy

How to practice Rock, Paper, Scissors against a computer over the internet

How to dress properly when accepting your Nobel prize

How to plan a dinner just like a Nobel prize dinner

How to check out a really cool video of a plane being struck by lightning

How to print your own money without going directly to jail

How to get the lowdown on whether the chicken or the egg really came first

How to locate Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu

How to propose renaming any hill in New Zealand "Chewbacca Hill"

How to remix your own Bruce Lee movie trailer over the internet for free

How to make your own Spirograph over the internet for free

How to hear the sound of Voyager 1 moving from the solar system into interstellar space

How to know whether it's legal for you to braid someone's hair without a license in your state

How to save the Tasmanian devil

How to go to the devil

How to buy your own Titan missile silo

How to buy actual atomic bomb blueprints over the internet

How to special order an atom bomb over the internet

How to order Fat Man and Little Boy zipper pulls for your kid

How to perform a countdown for a silo-launched Atlas nuclear missile

How to know the fate of every ship named Enterprise in both history and the future

How to find out role Vulcans play on the USS Enterprise

How to gain admission to Loyal Order of Water Buffaloes lodge meeting

How to get your dead relative's ashes shot into space

How to get your dead relative's ashes crushed into a diamond

How to treat leprosy

How to build a cosmic ray detector

How to get Life Savers to give off light by crushing them

How to unite to oppose all forms of heightism

How to report a violation of our Confederate heritage

How to survive a crawl into a crocodile's lair

How to avoid getting malaria

How to encode short secret messages inside what appears to be spam

How to create an armaments shopping list for your dictatorship's military

How to survive a landslide

How to survive a dirty bomb explosion

How to graph the number of terrorist incidents worldwide since 1968 in 3-D

How to analyze the number of terrorism incidents worldwide since 1968

How to survive a terrorist truck bomb

How to hear the sound of lightning on Saturn

How to design an inertial guidance system for an Intercontinental Ballistic Missile

How to Federalize a dummy

How to lose weight by consuming Gila monster saliva

How to watch atomic fireballs being manufactured

How to buy a DeLorean

How to repair a log cabin

How to transition a helicopter from moving into hovering

How to handle a helicopter if its engine has failed

How to escape from a submerged seaplane

How to decide whether you should take the space shuttle into an emergency deorbit

How to decide if you should switch the space shuttle to manual override and "bring this baby in yourself"

How to see how many diamonds the US military is stockpiling in case of a war

How to prevent demonstrators from ruining a Presidential event

How to know the US Government's official position on whether owning a tiger for a pet is a good idea

How to ensure the quality of frozen meat you are feeding your tiger

How to feed a dolphin

How to map crime "hot spots"

How to estimate how long you will remain conscious at 50,000 feet with no protection

How to survive getting lost while diving underneath polar ice

How to tell your dive crew to give you more air if you're using an umbilical cord

How to treat a shark attack victim

How to treat a stingray attack victim

How to treat a jellyfish attack victim

How to treat an octopus attack victim

How to refine petroleum

How to make a plaster cast of Bigfoot's footprint

How to climb Devil's Tower to see the secret government base on the other side

How to know whether it's OK to fly your UFO over Devil's Tower

How to schedule a leg waxing in Afghanistan via email

How to play virtual drums on the internet

How to report an ethics violation by your chimney sweep

How to join the Society for the Preservation and Enhancement of the Harmonica

How to understand drag racing lingo

How to protect against enemy attacks during a weapons buyback event

How to pass other drivers in a NASCAR race

How to prevent parachute injuries by twisting when you hit the ground

How to get all hopped up on stimulants on a long bombing mission

How to sew an Elvis Christmas stocking

How to make a prom outfit out of duct tape

How to make snow

How to make prehistoric cave art

How to plan a visit to some Ninja museums in Japan

How to read SpongeBob SquarePants' executive biography

How to read Squidward's executive biography

How to read Mr. Krabs' executive biography

How to build a lightsaber

How to watch R2-D2 sneaking a smoke being C3PO's back

How to make and sell giant clam shell products

US Department of Agriculture

How to talk like a Pilgrim

How to build a full-scale catapult

How to bend a spoon

How to mummify a dinosaur

How to make an ATF agent's day by having his boss send him to come check out your cool potato gun

How to sing the Twelve Days of Christmas

How to teach students how elections are supposed to work

How to make snow

How to build a snowmaking machine

How to make a SpongeBob SquarePants doll from a sponge

How to buy a coin that has been shrunk by an incredibly powerful magnetic field

How to buy lightning that has been frozen in time

How to buy ball lightning that has been frozen in time

How to shrink a coin using and incredibly powerful magnetic field

How to make sure you celebrate Victory over Japan day on the right date

How to bring unlimited quantities of Russian vodka duty-free into the United States perfectly legally

How to inform your customers of the hazards of space travel

How to see how many patents were filed last year by Rhode Islanders for spittoons, baths, closets, and sinks

How to contact the Vulcan Chamber of Commerce

How to read a true story about a real-life Vulcan running Amok

How to read how some ruffians gave "Spock Days" a bad name in the town of Vulcan

How to attend a Vulcan rodeo

How to get the weather forecast for Vulcan

How to stun fish by sprinkling crushed poisonous tree seeds in a stream

How to pepper spray a bear

How to decide whether you should shoot or pepper spray a charging bear

How to tell a grizzly bear from a black bear

How to buy tickets for a prison rodeo

How to advertise your Web 2.0 startup at a prison rodeo

How to lose your state job by denying there is a God

How to get fined for injuring ice

How to break the law by selling someone a 4-pound bag of corn meal

How to get arrested for vagrancy by being a professional gambler

How to run an environmentally responsible Indian Casino

How to automatically generate a song arrangement

How to send your kids Tickle Me Elmo doll on a "three hour tour"

How to discourage someone from irritating you while you are painting on location

How to buy a brand new repair manual for the WWII-era British Spitfire combat aircraft

How to get the truth on whether Roman chariot design really led to our railroad track widths

How to decipher train whistle signals

How to stop a train if all communications with it have been cut off

How to get the truth about Rod Stewart's secret passion

How to find a clown

How to take the Clown Code of Ethics

How to act as an international ambassador for a bunch of clowns

How to check out the original "Kung-Fu Grip" commercial

How to photograph your Kirlian aura

How to build a "Jacob's Ladder" mad scientist spark machine

How to do something pretty radical for today's society to help protect your loved ones from the bird flu

How to calculate how long you will have to clean a barn with a shovel in order to burn off that 32 ounce Mountain Dew you had at lunch

How to fry a muskrat

How to make squirrel fricassee

How to give family disunity a quick chop to the neck

How to join an international association of people who write obituaries for a living

How to cremate an obese individual more safely

How to become a federally recognized Indian tribe

How to prevent a tree from strangling itself to death

How to control gophers using one of Carl Spackler's methods

How to determine whether federal or tribal jurisdiction applies to a crime committed in "Indian country"

How to determine whether winning in an Indian tribal court gives you double jeopardy protection against the Federal Government

How to know which college was the first to change its sports team mascot's Indian name to an inoffensive, but frankly, much lamer name

How to tell the difference between an error, a freak, and an oddity

How to learn the history of fascism through stamps

How to find a kingdom where Elvis still reigns

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