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Wild and wacky
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How to know whether it's OK to fly your UFO over Devil's Tower
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Wild and wacky
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How to perform an autopsy on an elephant
How to make a hamster-powered night light
How to capture a crocodile
How to stop a skunk from living under your house
How to become a clown
How to make a living watching people sleep
How to design a rollercoaster
How to perform a search of a crime scene
How to identify Osama Bin Laden
How to prevent forest fires
How to keep a boat from sinking
How to decide between Stonehenge, an Egg Timer, and an Atomic Clock
How to sit back and let ants prospect for gold for you
How to dissect a cow's eye
How to select proper eye protection for welding
How to make a telescope
How to mummify a fish
How to view an eclipse
How to make a lava lamp
How to protect yourself from bubonic plague
How to protect yourself from terrorism
How to make peace not war
How to tell if you've been exposed to depleted uranium
How to 'paint a target' and call in an airstrike
How to refuel an F-16 in midflight
How to keep G-forces from making you black out during a sharp turn in your fighter jet
How to land an F-16 if the engine has 'flamed out' on you
How to perform triage on combat casualties
How to handle unexploded ordinance inside of a combat casualty
How to survive, evade, and be recovered from behind enemy lines
How to extinguish a nuclear bomb that has accidentally caught on fire
How to treat victims of biological weapons of mass destruction
How to select a radiation detector
How to attach a concealed microphone to an actor's head
How to brake an 18-wheeler on a long downhill grade
How to treat a cat with bubonic plague
How to see where all the smokejumpers are currently deployed
How to care for an elephant
How to become a CIA agent
How to become a counterterrorism analyst
How to become a UN peacekeeper
How to make a living playing videogames
How to protect yourself during a nuclear attack
How to protect yourself against chemical warfare agents
How to move forward under enemy fire
How to destroy your own air base before retreating so the enemy can't use it
How to lead a humvee convoy
How to store the Ark of the Covenant
How to survive a fall from 30,000 feet
How to fight off a shark
How to treat someone who's been struck by lightning
How to keep North Korean spies from exploiting you
How to identify North Korean Officers
How to tell a North Korean to come out, drop his weapon, stick up his hands, and surrender
How to make a distress signal if your radio is broken
How to make visual signals to communicate with a search and rescue plane
How to become an unmanned aerial vehicle operator
How to join the French Foreign Legion
How to become a test pilot
How to become a princess
How to tell the difference between the Lord Chamberlain and the Lord Great Chamberlain
How to properly address the Queen of England
How to invite the Queen of England over to watch the Superbowl with you
How to skin a raccoon
How to use a huge blowtorch hanging from a helicopter to burn a forest
How to establish a temporary airbase for a helicopter in an emergency
How to find where the smokejumpers are currently deployed
How to use a temporary fire shelter if a huge forest fire is about to sweep over you
How to report a UFO sighting
How to keep an open mind
How to check the weather at Graceland
How to catch and identify tiny micrometorites hitting the earth
How to apply to volunteer to collect meteorites in Antarctica
How to select a projector for your planetarium
How to suggest a name for a new planet to the proper authorities
How to report a terrorist incident
How to buy uranium over the internet
How to buy radioactive marbles over the internet
How to make just about anything glow in the dark
How to buy a Van deGraff generator
How to buy melted sand from the first atomic bomb detonation
How to climb Mount Everest
How to transport a nuclear bomb
How to take a vacation in North Korea (note - not recommended!)
How to declare your withdrawal from the Nuclear Non Proliferation treaty
How to browse the President's guestbook
How to report that a black hole you accidentally created has sucked in several coworkers and emitted X-rays
How to create a black hole using a linear accelerator
How to safely dispose of nuclear waste for 10,000 years
How to macgyver a terrorist barrier if all you have lying around are pipes and a steel cable
How to estimate the impact of a meteor hitting the earth
How to name a comet you've discovered
How to help convince the government to do something about killer asteroids
How to calculate your weight on other planets
How to use DNA to identify a sea monster
How to categorize the intensity of a potential asteroid strike on Earth
How to help find extraterrestrials
How to decide whether to abort a shuttle mission just after takeoff
How to decide whether to take the space shuttle into an emergency deorbit
How to select an alternate landing site for the space shuttle at the last minute
How to decide if you should push the space shuttle's engines to 109 percent thrust
How to dodge space debris while in orbit
How to make sure you don't accidentally blow the hatch and get sucked out of the space shuttle while in orbit
How to decide whether failure of your Television warrants aborting a shuttle mission
How to undock a damaged shuttle from the international space stations so rescuers can dock
How to rescue a stranded space shuttle crew from the International Space Station
How to make a volcano
How to survive a volcanic eruption
How to survive an earthquake
How to tell if any Alaskan Volcanoes are erupting right at this moment
How to safely view lava
How to survive a lightning storm
How to classify the severity of a hurricane
How to act after a Tsunami
How to identify a meteorite
How to build an igloo
How to start a fire with a bow drill
How to find water if you're stranded in a jungle
How to start a fire with water
How to open a coconut by bashing it with a rock
How to paint a woolly mammoth on a cave wall
How to make a fire with a balloon
How to start a fire with a coke can
How to skin a bear
How to build a snow cave
How to stop sliding down an ice-covered mountain
How to search for someone buried in an avalanche
How to fight an insurgency
How to handle a fellow astronaut who's gone crazy in the International Space Station
How to decide how often you should be changing your underwear on the International Space Station
How to remove a fellow astronaut's tooth in space
How to check if you've gotten pregnant on the International Space Station
How to construct a Vulcan harp just like Spock's
How to take a bite out of crime
How to find where all the spent nuclear fuel is kept
How to fly a hot-air balloon
How to get along with a landowner when you've accidentally landed your hot-air balloon on his property
How to properly tether a hot-air balloon
How to decide how fast to drive your boat so you don't injure a whale too badly if you hit it
How to fly an airplane
How to crash-land an airplane
How to become a Secret Service agent
How to report a threat to the President of the United States
How to detect counterfeit money
How to report counterfeit money to the authorities
How to apply for conscientious objector status during a draft
How to apply for a Presidential appointment
How to sleep overnight at a lighthouse
How to seize everything a delinquent taxpayer owns
How to collect delinquent taxes from someone who is in the Federal Witness Protection program
How to find anyone
How to conduct surveillance on United States Citizens
How to get permission to read a United States citizen's mail
How to follow someone after a subversive anti-tax statement in a public meeting
How to get permission to put an electronic tracking device on someone's car
How to arrest a child
How to split the booty from a forfeiture with other involved government agencies
How to decide if another federal agency deserves any share of the booty from a forfeiture
How to tell the difference between a surveillance operation and an undercover operation
How to properly document any Bigfoot tracks you happen across
How to see where Bigfoot has been hanging out lately
How to report a Bigfoot sighting
How to report a Sasquatch sighting
How to interview someone who has seen Sasquatch
How to locate some casts of Bigfoot's feet to examine
How to buy a plaster cast of a Bigfoot track over the internet
How to set out bait to attract Bigfoot
How to spy on Area 51
How to qualify for the Federal Witness Protection Program
How to violate the Sherman anti-trust act
How to avoid paying import tariffs on an object you found in outer space
How to recommend an astronaut be nominated to receive the Congressional Space Medal of Honor
How to get a severe sentence by being convicted for stealing an alligator for a third time
How to collect micrometeorites in your backyard
How to make a matchstick rocket
How to make a cosmic ray detector
How to get an internship working with mine-hunting dolphins
How to search for Captain Kidd's treasure
How to find old treasure maps
How to identify and defeat deathtraps protecting abandoned Spanish gold
How to interpret turtle symbols that lead to hidden gold
How to select a partner for treasure hunting
How to pan for gold
How to go somewhere you can pan for gold
How to buy supplies you can load your mule up with before a gold prospecting trip
How to find gold deposits
How to stake a gold mining claim on Federal land
How to adopt a wild burro
How to buy a Swiss Army knife with 85 parts
How to start a business in Second Life
How to inspect someone's private submarine
How to speak like a hardboiled detective
How to tell the difference between a Native American and a native American
How to avoid crashing into a fellow pilot's F-16 if you get lost
How to rescue a parachutist who is suspended from a tree
How to veto a bill
How to create a superhero
How to determine when, on average, you are likely to die
How to request copies of documents from the Vatican's Secret Archives
How to gain access to the Vatican's secret archives
How to find the right cliché to use for any situation
How to visit the birthplace of Smokey Bear
How to tell if a submarine is about to do an "emergency blow" and come up right under your ship
How to ditch an airplane in the ocean
How to recognize whether a bear encounter is about to become dangerous
How to survive a grizzly bear encounter
How to fight off a mountain lion
How to survive if your car collides with a moose
How to survive a nuclear blast
How to respond to an accidental radiation injury
How to safely decommission a nuclear power plant
How to know whether your nuclear power plant is built on an earthquake fault
How to tell a bolt from screw
How to decide whether it's legal to violate someone's patent while you're on the moon
How to know whether something you invented in space is protected by US Law
How to inspect your bike
How to know exactly how much gold is in Fort Knox right down to the penny
How to obliterate animal carcasses with explosives
How to make a real, working hydrogen bomb
How to make trilobite cookies
How to use strong magnetic fields to levitate a frog
How to keep your cat from bidding on eBay auctions in the middle of the night
How to stop a carjacker with a flamethrower
How to perform a virtual frog dissection
How to search for extraterrestrial intelligence
How to make a square carbon dioxide scrubber fit into a round hole
How to deflect an asteroid that is heading directly for Earth
How to get the US Government's official position on the "X-Files"
How to decide how much vacation time jihadists in your sleeper cell are entitled to
How to tell the difference between elephant, narwhal, and wooly mammoth ivory
How to handle a herd of buffalo
How to give CPR to a dog
How to kill a large herd of buffalo with very little effort
How to order wooden nickels over the internet
How to get free wooden nickels over the internet
How to find the status of manmade objects in space
How to find out the current location of all Mercury, Gemini, and Apollo spacesuits
How to find the current location of all Apollo spacecraft
How to find the current location of all Space Shuttles
How to find the current location of all Lunar Modules
How to properly measure your shoe size
How to read the US Government's official position that Spiderman, the X-Men, and (particularly incorrectly) Dr. Octopus and Kingpin are legally not humans
How to track Santa Clause's flight
How to scuba dive under ice
How to save the whales by hunting down errant balloons
How to adopt a whale
How to find out the current location of all zoo chimpanzees in America
How to become a chimpanzee
How to watch a chimpanzee kidnapping
How to interpret a chimpanzee's facial expressions
How to breed alligators
How to tell whether your alligator is a record-breaking one
How to get permission to move some alligator eggs around
How to apply for a license to trap alligators
How to confess to a crocodilian violation in your past
How to tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator
How to tell the difference between a crocodile hide and an alligator hide
How to cook an alligator
How to buy a stuffed alligator head over the internet
How to buy alligator jerky over the internet
How to buy an alligator leather holster over the internet
How to skin an alligator
How to buy a boa constrictor wallet over the internet
How to buy a cobra wallet over the internet
How to buy a rattlesnake wallet over the internet
How to buy a sharkskin wallet over the internet
How to go on an alligator hunt
How to store your sunglasses in your spacesuit (important - do not open helmet to put them on!)
How to deploy your lunar roving vehicle
How to fire up your lunar roving vehicle and take it for a spin
How to plant a flag on the moon and claim it for America
How to make absolutely sure the spacesuit in your closet is not Neil Armstrong's
How to use some maps of the moon to replace a missing fender on your lunar rover
How to find your scissors on the moon
How to survive if your space suit's oxygen supply runs out on the moon
How to understand why FM stations always end in an odd decimal number
How to know which phase the moon was in on any given day all the way back to 2000 B.C.
How to find a handy machete if you are in a fight to death with a fellow astronaut in orbit
How to outrun a crocodile
How to obtain a hand-scripted papal blessing
How to figure out if you are a Bantamweight or a Heavyweight
How to decide if your ostrich is old enough to be slaughtered yet
How to stun fish with massive amounts of electricity
How to find out whether your Eskimo tribe is over its yearly limit for whale killings
How to accuse your next door neighbor of violating the International Convention for the Regulation of Whaling
How to report that an injured whale has washed up on your beach
How to find out the most popular place where all the "right" whales hang out
How to report that someone shot a stranded killer whale on your beach last night at 3AM
How to get a permit to harass marine mammals
How to clean a wound properly if you've been bitten by a monkey
How to conspire to transform the Earth into an actual "Planet of the Apes"
How to build the struggle against the ultra-right and corporate power!
How to apply for a license to build and operate a nuclear power plant
How to find the current location of all nuclear power plants worldwide
How to avoid accidentally trapping an otter in your quest for raccoon hides
How to know the truth about what happened in Roswell
How to fight terrorism by quitting smoking
How to decide whether it's appropriate for Department of Homeland Security personnel to remove your monkey's diaper
How to know the official count of Jedi throughout all of England
How to launch your name into space
How to stand up and fight for the rights of fat people
How to decide what salary jihadists in your Al-Qaeda sleeper cell are entitled to
How to get a college scholarship by having rebel ancestors
How to get a college scholarship by writing an essay about a fire sprinkler
How to get a college scholarship simply for being a big man on campus
How to safely maneuver a zodiac around icebergs
How to know whether you can buy a drink at the south pole
How to select personal items for a trip to the Antarctic
How to know whether Visa's "it's everywhere you want to be" includes the South Pole or not
How to survive if you fall through a hole in the Antarctic ice
How to determine whether a crack in the Antarctic ice is safe to drive over
How to build a snow shelter in an emergency
How to approach a helicopter properly so you don't lose your head or arm
How to find emergency stores if you're stranded alone in the Antarctic
How to correct your compass to work near the South Pole
How to remove a snowmobile that has fallen into an Antarctic crevasse
How to rescue someone who has fallen into an Antarctic crevasse
How to address a letter to someone at the South Pole
How to check out the North Pole webcams
How to make a request for transfer from a Turkish prison to a U.S. prison instead
How to hand off oversight of U.S. interests to a friendly country when abandoning an embassy
How to know what Mother Teresa, Winston Churchill, and the Marquis de Lafayette all have in common
How to know whether it's OK to sneak a live pig, charcoal, and a cigarette lighter in a diplomatic pouch for a luau
How to have your kids birthday party at the National Atomic Museum
How to buy Fat Man and Little Boy shot glasses over the internet
How to know whether toilet-bowl products or sharks are a greater threat to your health
How to report a shark attack to the proper authorities
How to check out a museum dedicated to barbed wire
How to become a member of the Kansas Barbed Wire Museum
How to get funding to create art in the Antarctic
How to know whether there were 2 of each kind of bird on the ark or actually 14
How to read the bible in Swahili
How to run the UN Security Council's meetings
How to see where all the UN peacekeepers are currently deployed
How to watch Star Wars rendered entirely in ASCII
How to make a virtual Lego version of yourself online
How to be alerted immediately whenever an iceberg is discovered near Newfoundland or Labrador
How to take a vacation where you can see some icebergs
How to know whether you've found the largest iceberg in history
How to estimate how long you have before the iceberg you're surviving on melts
How to demolish an iceberg
How to buy a cane fragment from a chair on the Titanic over the internet
How to buy carpet yarn from the Titanic over the internet
How to buy cork from Mrs. Astor's Titanic lifejacket over the internet
How to become a Sea Power Ambassador
How to become a Bionic Ambassador
How to petition the government to turn your neighbor's yard into a Superfund site
How to register for the upcoming draft
How to notify the government when you've moved so they can find you during a draft
How to apply to become a member of your local draft board
How to draft an army in a crisis
How to understand how the draft lottery will work
How to adopt a dragon
How to be really cool and support the FONZ
How to play Rock, Paper, Scissors
How to select a winning Rock, Paper, Scissors strategy
How to practice Rock, Paper, Scissors against a computer over the internet
How to dress properly when accepting your Nobel prize
How to plan a dinner just like a Nobel prize dinner
How to check out a really cool video of a plane being struck by lightning
How to print your own money without going directly to jail
How to get the lowdown on whether the chicken or the egg really came first
How to locate Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu
How to propose renaming any hill in New Zealand "Chewbacca Hill"
How to remix your own Bruce Lee movie trailer over the internet for free
How to make your own Spirograph over the internet for free
How to hear the sound of Voyager 1 moving from the solar system into interstellar space
How to know whether it's legal for you to braid someone's hair without a license in your state
How to save the Tasmanian devil
How to go to the devil
How to buy your own Titan missile silo
How to buy actual atomic bomb blueprints over the internet
How to order Fat Man and Little Boy zipper pulls for your kid
How to perform a countdown for a silo-launched Atlas nuclear missile
How to know the fate of every ship named Enterprise in both history and the future
How to find out role Vulcans play on the USS Enterprise
How to gain admission to Loyal Order of Water Buffaloes lodge meeting
How to get your dead relative's ashes shot into space
How to get your dead relative's ashes crushed into a diamond
How to treat leprosy
How to build a cosmic ray detector
How to get Life Savers to give off light by crushing them
How to unite to oppose all forms of heightism
How to report a violation of our Confederate heritage
How to survive a crawl into a crocodile's lair
How to encode short secret messages inside what appears to be spam
How to create an armaments shopping list for your dictatorship's military
How to survive a landslide
How to survive a dirty bomb explosion
How to graph the number of terrorist incidents worldwide since 1968 in 3-D
How to analyze the number of terrorism incidents worldwide since 1968
How to survive a terrorist truck bomb
How to hear the sound of lightning on Saturn
How to design an inertial guidance system for an Intercontinental Ballistic Missile
How to Federalize a dummy
How to lose weight by consuming Gila monster saliva
How to watch atomic fireballs being manufactured
How to buy a DeLorean
How to repair a log cabin
How to transition a helicopter from moving into hovering
How to handle a helicopter if its engine has failed
How to escape from a submerged seaplane
How to decide whether you should take the space shuttle into an emergency deorbit
How to decide if you should switch the space shuttle to manual override and "bring this baby in yourself"
How to see how many diamonds the US military is stockpiling in case of a war
How to prevent demonstrators from ruining a Presidential event
How to know the US Government's official position on whether owning a tiger for a pet is a good idea
How to ensure the quality of frozen meat you are feeding your tiger
How to feed a dolphin
How to map crime "hot spots"
How to estimate how long you will remain conscious at 50,000 feet with no protection
How to survive getting lost while diving underneath polar ice
How to tell your dive crew to give you more air if you're using an umbilical cord
How to treat a shark attack victim
How to treat a stingray attack victim
How to treat a jellyfish attack victim
How to treat an octopus attack victim
How to refine petroleum
How to make a plaster cast of Bigfoot's footprint
How to climb Devil's Tower to see the secret government base on the other side
How to know whether it's OK to fly your UFO over Devil's Tower
How to schedule a leg waxing in Afghanistan via email
How to play virtual drums on the internet
How to report an ethics violation by your chimney sweep
How to join the Society for the Preservation and Enhancement of the Harmonica
How to understand drag racing lingo
How to protect against enemy attacks during a weapons buyback event
How to pass other drivers in a NASCAR race
How to prevent parachute injuries by twisting when you hit the ground
How to sew an Elvis Christmas stocking
How to make a prom outfit out of duct tape
How to make snow
How to make prehistoric cave art
How to plan a visit to some Ninja museums in Japan
How to read SpongeBob SquarePants' executive biography
How to read Squidward's executive biography
How to read Mr. Krabs' executive biography
How to build a lightsaber
How to watch R2-D2 sneaking a smoke being C3PO's back
How to make and sell giant clam shell products
How to talk like a Pilgrim
How to bend a spoon
How to mummify a dinosaur
How to make an ATF agent's day by having his boss send him to come check out your cool potato gun
How to sing the Twelve Days of Christmas
How to teach students how elections are supposed to work
How to build a snowmaking machine
How to make a SpongeBob SquarePants doll from a sponge
How to buy a coin that has been shrunk by an incredibly powerful magnetic field
How to buy ball lightning that has been frozen in time
How to shrink a coin using and incredibly powerful magnetic field
How to bring unlimited quantities of Russian vodka duty-free into the United States perfectly legally
How to inform your customers of the hazards of space travel
How to see how many patents were filed last year by Rhode Islanders for spittoons, baths, closets, and sinks
How to contact the Vulcan Chamber of Commerce
How to read a true story about a real-life Vulcan running Amok
How to read how some ruffians gave "Spock Days" a bad name in the town of Vulcan
How to get the weather forecast for Vulcan
How to stun fish by sprinkling crushed poisonous tree seeds in a stream
How to pepper spray a bear
How to decide whether you should shoot or pepper spray a charging bear
How to tell a grizzly bear from a black bear
How to buy tickets for a prison rodeo
How to advertise your Web 2.0 startup at a prison rodeo
How to lose your state job by denying there is a God
How to get fined for injuring ice
How to break the law by selling someone a 4-pound bag of corn meal
How to run an environmentally responsible Indian Casino
How to automatically generate a song arrangement
How to send your kids Tickle Me Elmo doll on a "three hour tour"
How to discourage someone from irritating you while you are painting on location
How to buy a brand new repair manual for the WWII-era British Spitfire combat aircraft
How to get the truth on whether Roman chariot design really led to our railroad track widths
How to decipher train whistle signals
How to stop a train if all communications with it have been cut off
How to get the truth about Rod Stewart's secret passion
How to find a clown
How to take the Clown Code of Ethics
How to act as an international ambassador for a bunch of clowns
How to check out the original "Kung-Fu Grip" commercial
How to photograph your Kirlian aura
How to build a "Jacob's Ladder" mad scientist spark machine
How to do something pretty radical for today's society to help protect your loved ones from the bird flu
How to calculate how long you will have to clean a barn with a shovel in order to burn off that 32 ounce Mountain Dew you had at lunch
How to fry a muskrat
How to make squirrel fricassee
How to give family disunity a quick chop to the neck
How to join an international association of people who write obituaries for a living
How to become a federally recognized Indian tribe
How to control gophers using one of Carl Spackler's methods
How to determine whether federal or tribal jurisdiction applies to a crime committed in "Indian country"
How to determine whether winning in an Indian tribal court gives you double jeopardy protection against the Federal Government
How to know which college was the first to change its sports team mascot's Indian name to an inoffensive, but frankly, much lamer name
How to tell the difference between an error, a freak, and an oddity
How to learn the history of fascism through stamps
How to find a kingdom where Elvis still reigns
How to find out if your Totin' Chip card from 1979 is still valid
How to find out what only YOU can prevent
How to have a blast working for the government
How to fell a tree with explosives
How to break up a massive boulder without the use of explosives
How to get the lowdown on Smokey Bear's "never-ending struggle" against...trademark dilution?
How to fly like a squirrel
How to find the name of the legendary St. Bernard with the little keg of brandy around his neck
How to see how some random guy changed the dollar's pyramid eye from a right eye to a left one
How to select a sport where you are most likely to get drafted by a professional team
How to get the lowdown on how the US actually launched something into space BEFORE Sputnik
How to see a real UFO landing pad
How to go ice skating with some highly logical Vulcans
How to contact the Vulcan Council
How to make a cool $500,000 by reporting a foreign spy to the authorities
How to watch a liquid boiling in space
How to buy lightning that has been frozen in time
How to report the discovery of a comet to the proper authorities
How to request a sample from meteorites retrieved in Antarctica
How to properly appreciate that gender perspectives are important when dealing with weapons of mass destruction
How to appreciate how critical gender perspectives truly are to reducing the scourge of landmines
How to prevent a tree from strangling itself to death
How to buy a Cinderella Pumpkin carriage
How to become a Stand Up Comedian
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